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Becoming More Than My Pain

Poem by: Jason Kerst

Lord, for so long I tried to bury my shame,

sending it back into the depths from which it came.

Built on the evils of the past these thoughts would arise,

and immediately I’d push them back down because I was a believer of lies.

But then I met You and learned all the ways I had been wrong,

and You began to call me to truth with Your sweet song.

And though it was painful, through gritted teeth and clenched fists I shared,

but for the rejection and pain that would follow I was completely unprepared.

I thought I knew who You were before those things I was told,

but all of a sudden I once again craved my old life of chasing fools gold.

Months of heartbreak and disaster ensued,

but my heart became far too cold and hard to be bruised.

If all that ever comes is deep hurt why should I bother?

my soul questioned if indeed You really were a good Father.

But somehow after all this time of being thrashed about by the waves,

I heard the whisper and beckoning of the voice that saves.

“I promise I am not the things they’ve said and done,

for you, O child, are my beloved son.”

But Lord I’ve messed up in every way I could ever imagine,

and I still find myself every day stuck in this sinful passion.

“It’s not that all your temptations and trials must be gone,

but that your love for Me must trump every single one.”

But how long will I be stuck in this cage,

battling my flesh and an unrelenting rage?

“This is no longer a matter of time,

this is eternal, forever more you are Mine.”

But why must this be daily struggle and strife,

if indeed You have promised me eternal life?

“I did not promise you freedom from pain,

but rather My presence and eternal reign.

“So child lay this too in My hand,

for My thoughts toward you are greater than every grain of sand.

“Nothing good from you will I ever withhold,

I proved it when My own Son’s life was sold.

“So trust in the beauty and strength of My power,

and find rest in me every moment and every hour.”

Father, I choose to believe every word You say,

the scars are fresh yet with my whole life I will obey.

Here at this altar I lay down my empty pleasure,

and place my faith in the One whose goodness surpasses all measure.

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